It’s just been one let down after another.

Not getting into Wright State. Emily getting mad at me ’cause I wanted to dance with her more. Nikki getting mad at me for something Matt said. Nobody ever asking to hang out with me. Very few people talking to me unless I say something emo.

I’m convinced Emily doesn’t actually trust me, I think she doesn’t like how low confidence I am and how I am angry that her friend treats me like dog food. I’m too different, as she says. Yeah I am, and I don’t think she can accept me for it.

No one can. Who out there could fully accept me for who I was? Not Suzie, not Emily, not Haley. People love me when all they see is flowers and rainbows, but as soon as they see I am a human with flaws like everyone else they distance themselves from me. They reject me. They hate me. They want nothing to do with me. They think I’m too problematic.

Maybe I’m just trying too hard to please everyone. Who knows. Maybe it’s my dream to make a difference in the world and so far I’ve failed in every way, I feel like I cause more harm than good.

It’s just like when I talked to my therapist. My biggest fear is that I will amount to nothing in life. And so far, it definitely feels that way. Even my best friends only love me transiently, I know it, with time they won’t like me any more when they see that I get angry just like everyone else.

I’m going to a DO school and not an MD school, so no matter what there will always be people who look down on me as inferior, and in some cases not even legitimate.

I can’t kill myself as long as my mother lives though. She’s done so much for me and I’ve done nothing to repay her, all I can do is live despite how painful it is for me to do so.

Lately I’ve been wanting to cry constantly. It’s just been one disaster after another, with Suzie saying I’m not genuine and that no one would want to be friends with someone like me, with Nikki getting angry at me for not understanding her pangs despite me feeling suicidal, not that she cares. With not being able to even go to an MD school or get accepted. And now I feel Emily doesn’t really want to be friends with me any more, maybe it’s just my own lack of self esteem telling me that but it certainly feels that way.

I’ve just been feeling so lonely lately. I feel like none of my friends understand me, and those that do want to keep me at arm’s length because they can’t stand what I am.

I wish I had a friend that loved me for who I was. My strengths, and my weaknesses. A friend that would accept me despite my emo rants and my anger and my faults as I am human.

But that is but a dream. People will always prefer Matt to me. Matt’s the cool one.

Me, I’m just useless to many and a bane to others.

Oh well. Nothing I can do about it.

BFF Tier:
Matt Watson
Alexander C.

Really Close Friends Tier:
Amara L.
Joe R.
Joe C.
Kelsey R.
Kaitlyn S.
Emily T.

Awesome Friends Tier:
Josh M.
Gregory T.
Lita E.
Nick H.
Zak K.
Mandy M.
Laura M.
Grace B.
Becky S.
Will J.
Adam V.
Maria N.
Kerry E.
Paula R.
David N.
Steve M.

Great Friends Tier:
Andrew D.
Gillian D.
Lia P.
Jason W.
Nikki H.
Tony B.
Jon S.
Gemma L.
Kayleigh L.

Good Friends Tier:
Hiroko M.
Dezmond M.
Lauren C.
Chris I.
Andrew L.
Adrian K.
Alexander L.
Katie B.

Friends Tier:
Katie H.
Kaitlynn F.
Sara L.
Kaley F.
Kasia V.
Scotty B.
Aaron Wy.
Haley P.

Laser tag last weekend was awesome:

http://hphotos-snc3.fbcdn.net/hs468.snc3/25715_561184604546_15504585_32601340_8041825_n.jpg

I will admit I was a bit disappointed that we didn’t have as many people this time as we did at Matt Watson’s birthday party or Greg’s birthday party, but honestly I am happy people showed up and we all had a good time. Going to Denny’s afterwards was a good time as well.

But I think the best part so far was the mail I got on Monday, saying that I had been accepted into Lake Erie College of Osteopathic Medicine. I’ve been SO WORRIED that I wouldn’t get into medical school again this year, so with that out of the way I can finally relax and enjoy the rest of the year. I can have fun and do whatever I want, and enjoy the free time I have left before medical school starts.

Of course, this also means that my mom will be buying me a PS3 with Final Fantasy XIII, AND I will be going to Japan this summer to see Nana Mizuki in concert. So I am quite happy for these things coming up. Tomorrow I am also going out to dinner with my parents at Bangkok, and food is always a nice touch.

Although my life hasn’t been ABSOLUTELY AMAZING as of late, I am VERY happy that I have a future now. That’s probably the most important thing to me, more important than those temporary moments of happiness I get from various parties and meet ups that I do.

Lindy hop last night was also fun. I think lindy hop has to be the favorite dance that I’ve learned so far, exceeding east coast swing and waltz and salsa. Even doing the basic step over and over again is fun!

My only gripe is that lately I’ve been quite sleepy. I always feel like I’m sleep deprived even though I already spend a lot of time sleeping. I think that’s mostly due to the fact that last year I was quite depressed from not getting into med school and I slept a lot when I was depressed, so now it’s hard for me to kick that habit and I feel sleepy during the day a lot.

Someone tell me when I can wake up and be happy again.

I don’t feel like I have anything, aside from my parents who mean the world to me.

I feel so empty.

I don’t know why.

I know I have close friends, yet even they seem so far away.

I don’t know why I’ve been feeling so empty and detached lately.

I want someone special in my life. But more importantly I want to succeed at something.

I think failing at life has made it difficult for me to really enjoy life.

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Gotta get the Anesthesia recommendation letters turned in before October 1st. I'm so nervous. It's so difficult to rely on people to do things >_<. If worse comes to worst, I told the Anesthesia people I will use the electronic recommendation letters from Interfolio. They’re not letters for the program, and just generic rec letters, but anything is better than nothing right now.

I also have to prepare for my mock interview for med school on Thursday. I need to email in my application and essay. Too much work, no desire to do it. I tend to get that way a lot haha.

I still have 3 MD applications to finish and 4 DO applications to finish. I’m really stressed out about all that stuff right now.

I’m also really really stressed out about my Anatomy course. I didn’t do so well on my first exam, I don’t think. Something happened that made it more difficult for me to study, just hours before the exam, and that made it difficult for me to focus on the exam. Hopefully, that won’t happen again the next time I take an Anatomy exam. I’ll try to make sure I stay focused…

Well, life is never easy. But I think I’ll make it through somehow.

But it seems even the little unnoticed things can just wreak havoc on my parade.

My joy was completely halted midday.

Sometimes the little things can sure hurt a lot.

I wish I knew what to do about it.