Kyo Yuy

Lately I’ve been feeling suicidal again. It’s been that way since May 2nd.

It’s just been one let down after another.

Not getting into Wright State. Emily getting mad at me ’cause I wanted to dance with her more. Nikki getting mad at me for something Matt said. Nobody ever asking to hang out with me. Very few people talking to me unless I say something emo.

I’m convinced Emily doesn’t actually trust me, I think she doesn’t like how low confidence I am and how I am angry that her friend treats me like dog food. I’m too different, as she says. Yeah I am, and I don’t think she can accept me for it.

No one can. Who out there could fully accept me for who I was? Not Suzie, not Emily, not Haley. People love me when all they see is flowers and rainbows, but as soon as they see I am a human with flaws like everyone else they distance themselves from me. They reject me. They hate me. They want nothing to do with me. They think I’m too problematic.

Maybe I’m just trying too hard to please everyone. Who knows. Maybe it’s my dream to make a difference in the world and so far I’ve failed in every way, I feel like I cause more harm than good.

It’s just like when I talked to my therapist. My biggest fear is that I will amount to nothing in life. And so far, it definitely feels that way. Even my best friends only love me transiently, I know it, with time they won’t like me any more when they see that I get angry just like everyone else.

I’m going to a DO school and not an MD school, so no matter what there will always be people who look down on me as inferior, and in some cases not even legitimate.

I can’t kill myself as long as my mother lives though. She’s done so much for me and I’ve done nothing to repay her, all I can do is live despite how painful it is for me to do so.

Lately I’ve been wanting to cry constantly. It’s just been one disaster after another, with Suzie saying I’m not genuine and that no one would want to be friends with someone like me, with Nikki getting angry at me for not understanding her pangs despite me feeling suicidal, not that she cares. With not being able to even go to an MD school or get accepted. And now I feel Emily doesn’t really want to be friends with me any more, maybe it’s just my own lack of self esteem telling me that but it certainly feels that way.

I’ve just been feeling so lonely lately. I feel like none of my friends understand me, and those that do want to keep me at arm’s length because they can’t stand what I am.

I wish I had a friend that loved me for who I was. My strengths, and my weaknesses. A friend that would accept me despite my emo rants and my anger and my faults as I am human.

But that is but a dream. People will always prefer Matt to me. Matt’s the cool one.

Me, I’m just useless to many and a bane to others.

Oh well. Nothing I can do about it.