Kyo Yuy

Dear Haley,

Do you believe in tomorrow?

- Benson

Dear Haley,

Lately I’ve been feeling pretty depressed. Not SUPER depressed, but I guess I’m bothered by the fact that ever since I met Mineh, it seems like our friends naturally gravitate toward him and think he’s amazing and super hot stuff. And it makes me feel really inferior, like I’m not awesome or anything.

I kind of insinuated that notion to Mineh, the fact that people always say he’s amazing and that people always talk to him and I seem to go unnoticed. But one thing he said to me really struck a chord:

minehatwork: Real compliments are when people listen to you
minehatwork: get to know you

And when I thought about it, I realized how true that really was. In many ways, when I think back to the past, and how some people communicate with one another, there are people who are extremely charismatic who can say amazing words and things to everyone. And the people who interact with these charismatic people often say that these people are really awesome and amazing.

Some people are really good crowd pleasers, and get tons of compliments, and fans, and admirers.

But are admiration, compliments, and “generic words,” signs of true friendship? When I think about it, it really isn’t.

It’s like they say. Actions speak louder than words. I guess lately I’ve been blind to it since I crave attention so much, but just because everyone looks up to and adores someone doesn’t mean they think that person is an awesome friend. And likewise, just because people aren’t constantly focused on me and talking to me doesn’t mean they don’t value my friendship.

It’s kinda like how my shoutouts work. A lot of these people I call out to, most of them I barely talk about if at all. However, each and every single individual I’ve called out (and people I WILL call out) has had a lasting impression on my life, and helped me in far greater ways than mere words could ever do. But yet these shoutouts may be some of the few times, if not the only times, I’ve ever REALLY thoughtfully written/said anything about them.

I think the same mentality can be applied to me too. Although very few people constantly compliment me and tell me how amazing I am, there are a lot of people who listen to me, and want to hear what I say, and ask me for help. And in some ways, isn’t asking me for help a sign that those people really trust me, and they really value me as a friend? It’s kinda like, when one time out of the blue Martha IMed me saying “Hey, we need your help hosting a party for Lauren, at this guy’s house.” At first I was a little bit offended and confused, because I didn’t even KNOW this guy friend of Martha’s, and I’m being asked to help get people to a TOTAL STRANGER’S house? My first reaction was to feel like I was being used.

But when I think about it further, it is in many ways a compliment. The fact that she feels I can do it. That she believes I have this charismatic power over people, that I have the organizational skills to set up a grand scale event whereas she and Jon do not feel that they can. Even though it was delivered bluntly, the meaning behind it is a more sincere, deep compliment than just some stranger on the street saying “You’re such a nice person.”

It’s also in a way, kinda like how the people at University Hospitals say I’m so wonderful and amazing. And I’m sure they mean it, but I mean all I do is talk to people and spend time with patients. I’m sure they think I’m awesome to have around, but I mean, I’m a VOLUNTEER, and I’m not paid to do what I do.

To extend Mineh’s idea, I guess there are obligatory compliments and then there are “real compliments.” When someone is really helpful, or does something you think is amazing, of course anyone would be inclined to say “Wow, that guy’s amazing,” or “That person’s done SO MUCH.” But then there are the real compliments, the ones I get from friends that don’t sound NEARLY as nice (and in some cases aren’t said at all), but yet on a deeper level mean so much. Showing up to my events, bringing stuff, listening to what I say, reading the stuff I write about, relying on me for everything, these little things, even though they are barely or not spoken at all, are signs that people DO really value me as a friend. I never wow people with what I do, and I don’t get compliments up the wazoo, but these little things that I do, I think people are very grateful for them even if they don’t say it.

At least, that is what I would like to believe. Several people have said that I am the glue that holds everyone together, and that if I stopped trying then people would slowly dissipate and the massive otaku group of friends that we’ve accumulated will slowly disperse. I don’t really know if that’s true or not. I don’t feel that I have any special powers or special charms.

But I do work my butt off to gather everyone together, to make each and every individual feel important, and to make sure that no one is ignored or neglected.

Deep down, I think, and I hope, that I have made a tremendous impact on a lot of people’s lives, and I like to believe that people’s lives would be significantly different right now had I not been a part of their lives.

One of my dreams is to make an impact on every individual’s lives. I hope I am already carrying out that dream.

- Benson

Dear Haley,

This will be my last letter that I write to you in a while. It’s not that I’m upset with you, or that I have emotional problems, or anything.

It’s quite the opposite, actually. I find that a lot of my letters involve me writing about more of the depressing aspects of life, and you get really worried when I am depressed about things and you often call me up or PM me to ask me if everything is okay.

And I am glad you care. I really am. But after the talk we had yesterday, I’m worried that your concern for me is also placing extra unneeded stress on you. I want you to focus on your life right now, and I want you to do what you feel you need to do to finish everything you need to finish.

I’m really glad we were able to work through our problems. There’s still a voice in the back of my mind that tells me you are just being nice, but I am trying my best to push it out and ignore it. I need to have more faith in my friends, and more importantly, myself. I need to believe that I do have intrinsic value, and that my value is what causes others to appreciate me and want to be my friend.

As for what will happen to this blog, I will try to shift the focus by beginning to write dedications to my friends on an individual basis. I feel that my feelings for you, while they have allowed me to really bond with you and become a much closer friend to you, has also caused me to distance myself from a lot of my other friends. So I want to try to get back in touch with the bonds I hold for my other friends by writing about each of them and how every single friend has had an impact on my life.

I wish you the best in life and in all your affairs. I’ll keep you in my prayers and I’ll always be willing to provide you support when you need it.

Yours,
Benson

Dear Haley,

I’m confused. I don’t know what to do.

- Benson

Dear Haley,

Today you called me asking if there was anything wrong and that you were a little bit worried about something.

I don’t want you to get all worked up about it, but since it bothers you I’ll get it out there.

At the sushi event, I was severely understaffed and I needed more people helping out with cutting vegetables, mixing the rice, adding rice vinegar, and serving ingredients. I was likewise understaffed at Marathon.

It’s totally fine that your grandparents had to pick you up Friday so you weren’t able to help, I’m not upset at that at all. But when you say you want to help and then… don’t help, I guess it makes me a bit upset.

I don’t need any apologies or anything. Don’t feel guilty or awful over it either, because it’s all in the past and words and feelings can only do so much.

Just… next time don’t say you want to help if you really don’t want to help. It’s fine if you don’t want to help, a lot of my friends don’t. It’s a lot of work and that’s totally understandable. But if you DO want to help, then don’t show up and not offer assistance when it looks like IT COULD REALLY BE USEFUL.

It’s not a big deal overall, don’t let it eat you up or anything. You don’t HAVE to help, because you’re a guest at the events first and foremost, and your personality in itself is wonderful. And if you deep down don’t really want to help, then please don’t try to sound nice by saying things like “I really want to help.” The words are really nice, but when they aren’t backed up by actions it can be… slightly upsetting, I suppose.

Any way, have a happy Easter, and good luck with the rest of your semester. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers.

- Benson

Dear Haley,

Have you ever reached a very difficult juncture in your life and become totally confused as to what to do next? A lot has been weighing on my mind lately, and to be honest I’m not really sure what I should be doing right now.

One thing that I have become aware of recently, is that I lack SELF confidence. I can only believe in myself when I feel that others believe in me. This is a very dangerous way for me to live my life, because if I do not have people there to support me, I lose all confidence and retreat to a corner and hide. Although it also means that I will have a LOT of confidence when my friends and supporters around me, the opposite is true. And letting my mood be determined by the respect of my peers can be a very dangerous thing, as I have gone through many times in the past.

I’ve had my GPA suffer and had my focus in classes become adversely affected by lack of support from friends. And while having the support of friends is a beautiful thing, I have to believe in myself above all else. Because if I can’t do that, then I will always be holding myself back.

I need to believe in myself. Because the biggest barrier to success is myself. So I have to conquer my own inner demons before I can really reach my full potential.

Lately, a few of my friends have been worried for my personal well being and emotional state. Some have said that I’m an emotional trainwreck and that I’m a complete mess, but that if I keep walking through the road I’m on now, I’ll only be setting myself up for more pain. As difficult as it is, I must change the path that I am walking on and realize that I cannot be happy in the long term. I have been very happy in the short term, but that happiness has been interspersed with anger and very strong depression. I have lost control of my own emotions and I need to regain that control.

I only wonder, if the path that my friends have proscribed for me is the right one. Will it allow me to finally accomplish the goal I’ve been seeking all this time, or will it instead destroy me and set me on a path to blazing destruction? Only time will tell.

Though, for my own sake, I hope I am doing the right thing.

- Benson

Dear Haley,

Have you ever wondered why Good Friday is called “Good” Friday? It seems a little weird, considering what the day represents in the biblical context. And considering it’s the only day of the year (I think Saturday too maybe, but not sure) that the sanctuary candle isn’t lit, it seems like the word good might not be the most appropriate word to use to describe the day.

But in any case, today was a pretty good day. The sad news is, I wasn’t able to complete the last three hours of volunteering today. Mineh IMed me this morning about life and my personal issues, and most importantly about helping me with the book! He’s going to be a motivational support, setting goals and deadlines for me so I can keep on track with writing the book and stay motivated. Since I’m so intimidated by worrying about failures, and since I’m scared that I simply don’t have the qualifications or the reputation to get a book published, I often hold myself back. But Mineh assured me that if I kept my heart at it, I can make ANYTHING happen so it’s really good. He’s going to start me off by having me write a query letter and have that sent to any literary agents that do stuff with self help books. I think that’ll help me get on the right track, and since I wanted to start working on my book as soon as my Lent commitment ended, I think it’ll be a good segue way into the next “phase” of my life.

Mineh also has a lot of personal experience with being a geek and dating. And since he’s 8 years older than me, in his age he didn’t have computers so he didn’t have the luxury of getting to know people online first before knowing them in person. He had to really man up and commit himself to learn to open up to people and start talking to girls, and not worry about being rejected. He helps a lot of his friends with motivation and techniques to build confidence. His rapidfire rapid change approach is a stark contrast to my slow confidence building approach that utilizes the Internet. And since our approaches are so radically different, and he’s coauthoring with me, the synthesis of my ideas with his will make for a very well rounded presentation that can appeal to a very wide audience. So I’m looking forward to that.

I think I’ve found a very close friend in Mineh. While he is very brutally honest, he also has a lot of respect for me and he also wants to help me through a lot of my problems. He’s a lot more awesome than I realized, and there’s more to him than just being that cool guy that everyone looks up to. He’s also helping me open up more by taking me to other things that I normally wouldn’t, such as a bar (although I don’t drink and neither does he, he tells me part of self improvement is trying to go outside one’s own comfort zone). He’s not going to try to get me drunk, just trying to put me in an environment I normally wouldn’t put myself in. Originally he suggested that I should go to a shooting range, but I am EXTREMELY morally against using weapons even if it’s just shooting a blank target, so after a long discussion on it he let me pick my own discomfort and I said I would be uncomfortable with being at a bar, so we went with that.

While I’m a little bit apprehensive and worried, at the same time I am also hopeful because if I really want to succeed and become a more well rounded applicant, I need to be willing to go outside my comfort zone and try new things, because my parents aren’t going to know where I can go. Apparently his girlfriend Laura has done a lot of amazing extracurriculars too, so she’s going to help me with that.

I look forward to my future endeavors and personal self improvement.

- Benson

Dear Haley,

I’m really worried about you right now. You’ve got so much on your plate and it’s very unfair. You’re being paid very little to do a lot more than most students can handle. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

That said, I don’t want you to worry too much about me right now. I know I’m one of your friends and you really care about me, but really the whole dating/not dating situation only bothers me about as much as it bothers you. It’s confusing and a little bit frustrating, but it means very little to me compared to the more important issues, like focusing on MCAT, making sure I don’t completely fail all my classes this semester, and figuring out what I want to do over the summer and for next year.

It’s especially worrisome now that I’ve been put on the ALTERNATE list for JET as opposed to an acceptance. So I don’t even know what I want to do. I have the idea to publish a book and maybe I’ll be able to get a research internship through Kelsey’s dad, but right now I have few to no definitive plans for next year and that’s an issue.

I hope that you can continue to feed suggestions in my direction as to things I can do. Anything that can fill up my resume for med school that I can at least try to see if I enjoy it or not.

But in any case I wish you the best of luck with everything.

- Benson

Dear Haley,

I wonder if the thoughts I have are selfish.

And I wonder if history is doomed to repeat itself.

- Benson

Dear Haley,

I’m glad we were able to have a long talk about our dating issues last night. Although I wasn’t exactly happy to hear everything that was said, I’m not so much hurt by it as much as a bit worried. But regardless, I’m really glad we had that discussion and I’m really glad you were completely honest with me.

I guess the biggest thing that worries me is that, it seems as though my feelings for you are stronger than yours are for me right now. And feelings are feelings, they can’t be controlled. However, when one person has stronger feelings for the other person, the person with the stronger feelings is in a riskier position and is more prone for an emotional letdown. This is due to the fact that, since I have stronger feelings for you, I’ll naturally be less receptive and open to looking towards other people to date, and it’ll be harder for me to recover when you finally find someone else.

Part of me does regret realizing that you had feelings for me. Part of me regrets getting closer to you and knowing you on a deeper level, because now I’m a lot more vulnerable to being hurt whereas before I just didn’t care.

Matt told me that I should not put you on a pedestal if I want to make things easier for me. But there is a lot of irony in that statement. The reason I never had feelings for you to begin with was because I had put you on such a high pedestal that I thought you were just “not normal” for dating. It seemed like you were just a perfect divine being with absolutely no sadness or even sarcasm, and so I always chalked it up as “I don’t want to date a saint.” That and I truly, truly always felt that you would NEVER develop feelings for me. Every guy I know is better than I am, and that’s just a fact. I’ve always felt that the girls who want to date me are just desperate as I am and are looking for someone they KINDA like and that’s good enough. I know that’s not the case with you, but still I just don’t think any normal girl would date me for any reason except out of desperation. And then they find someone else and move on, or something.

I told Rachel the entire time I was dating her, that I would never date or even CONSIDER dating you. I always told her you were too perfect, although she insisted that you were a human being like everyone else and I just didn’t realize it. I didn’t know I’d be eating my own words now, at this time when I’ve gotten to know you to a point where my feelings for you have gotten really strong.

There’s a part of me that just wants to stop talking to you altogether and just completely wean myself from you. Part of me is saying that you’ll never want to date me and that I’m just delaying an inevitable and setting myself up to be hurt more in the future, and it makes me want to just cut off contact from you so I can emotionally separate myself from you and forget anything ever happened. And that part of me says, “It’s true you need to be supportive, but were you this supportive of Haley last year? She doesn’t really need you, so just get her out of your life already because she’ll make it through on her own.”

And then part of me says that I have to be fully accountable for everything that has led up to this moment. Even if you mostly just see me as a friend, the truth of the matter is that you view me as a VERY strong friend now, much stronger than you had ever seen me. And I don’t know where your feelings lie even as a friend, but this other part of me tells me that, if I just went back to what we were like before, where I almost never talked to you except when you IMed on AIM and I occasionally commented on your Facebook pictures and invited you to my gatherings, you wouldn’t be okay with that. And I get that feeling from you whenever I put myself at a distance from you - even if you’re not worried about my feelings FOR YOU, you’re still more worried about my own well being in general and you worry, at least, that I think negatively of you or that you’re hurting me and that I’m avoiding you intentionally. Which is true to an extent, because if I were avoiding you, I wouldn’t be doing it unintentionally.

I guess the most confusing, worrisome part about it is I kinda feel like I’m in a limbo area right now. I can’t really go forward, and I can’t really go backward either. I don’t think I can just go back to last year and think of you as “that friend that’s really perfect and I just talk to her every now and then and invite her to stuff.” But I can’t move forward either. And I don’t KNOW if I can move forward, because you don’t know, so how could I know? Matt put it best when he said to me

AbstractStar319: Shit ain’t that easy.

I know you’re trying to encourage me not to get too caught up in anything or to wait on you, but it’s not like there’s an easy solution, you know? Moving on to someone else requires me to move BACKWARDS in our level of closeness, and emotional separation really does require an insane level of physical separation. Matt even told me that he has to basically remove every aspect, every hint, every MENTION of Holly in his life or else he’ll end up compulsively thinking about her. While I’m not in THAT kind of a situation with you, I still can’t weaken my feelings for you without cutting you out of my life for some period of time.

Unless you can honestly say, with a straight face, that you will EMOTIONALLY be okay with me ignoring you for the next month or so, then there is no simple solution. And that sounds like a jerk thing to do, but think about back in early 2008 - did we really talk that often? No, in fact there were months where I wouldn’t speak to you and our conversations used to be extremely short and brief and lack any depth to them. It sounds mean for me to just not talk to you for an extended period of time, but realistically, we DIDN’T talk that much back then. And it didn’t bother you, nor did it bother me.

But I don’t think I can say it wouldn’t bother you if I just forgot about you and focused on my other friends for a month or so, can I? Especially not now when you’re going through so much tough stuff in your life like your coloring books and family drama, the last thing you need is one of your closest friends just slamming the door shut on you because he needs to remove his attraction towards you.

I don’t think I can ever express my feelings on the situation enough, but the bottom point I want to get across to you right now is that this is NOT a simple issue on my end. True, I can’t get my hopes up too much and I can’t become too close to you and too optimistic about it. But likewise it is also true that I have to be a very supportive friend right now, just as you have been very supportive of me.

I want you to realize that this is a very complicated situation and that there is no way out of this without one of us getting hurt to some extent. But at the same time I don’t want you worrying too much over THIS. So many other things need to take priority in your life right now, and I don’t want you to be too hung over how our feelings for each other stand.

In the big scheme of things, romance isn’t really that big a deal. I want to and I love to address these issues with you, but I don’t want you to think too hard about them right now. Focus on what really matters right now and we’ll discuss these things when you have time.

I’ll keep you in my prayers as always. Don’t worry about me right now, just do your best to make your family and yourself proud.

- Benson